Random Heroes: Gigaman vs W. Linguine

Welcome new comers and true believers alike! Prepare for a tale of rising heroism and the downfall of villainy, or shall it be a tale of failed heroics and villainous triumph?

In the first half of the 20th century Retron-City was under the reign of terror of the master criminal W. Linguine. Bullied as a small boy for his second hand clothing, W. Linguine learned at an early age that clothes make the man.

First he stole a set of clothes from a wealthy youth (who never once noticed the missing suit). Next, in his better clothes, he went to the school psychologist, and convinced him that the bully needed a revolutionary new life changing surgery, a lobotomy.

Now the bully was W. Linguine’s right hand thug. W. Linguine would steal only the most magnificent clothes, combining them together into the ultimate ensemble.

With his ultimate ensemble, the police could not raise their guns against him, for how could one dressed so stylishly truly be evil? With his slightly less stylishly dressed henchmen Retron-City was his to plunder.

But at the height of his power, a new age was dawning, an atomic age. And with this atomic power would arise a new breed of hero, one who would not bend his knee to the might of evil!

So it was one day, W. Linguine and his gang were robbing the Retron-City Bank.

A voice like thunder struck like lightning, “Halt villains! Cease your evil ways!”

W. Linguine and his men turned to who dared defy them, and pointed and laughed.

“Whose the monkey in the racing suit?”

“I thought it was an ape in a circus outfit!”

“Naw it’s just an ugly loser in a janitor’s bit who got drop in some dye!”

Standing against the criminals was a mighty man in a skintight blue bodysuit, with yellow gloves, shoulder pads, boots, and shorts. Atop his head was a blue and gold helmet with a transparent visor. His manly jaw was stern and courageous.

“Ugh! So hideous! And they call me a criminal?” W. Linguine lamented covering his eyes.

“Will ye yield criminals?” The mysterious man boomed, his fists on his hips.

“Oh yeah yeah we yield! Get out of here monkey face! Before we make that ugly face of yous even uglifier!” Said one of W. Linguine’s men.

“Nay! As long as evil reigns, I shall stand against it!”

“Pump’em full of lead!” W. Linguine said, turning his eyes, not wanting to see such ugly clothes a moment longer.

The sound of gunfire rang through the bank, the citizens falling to the floor covering their heads.

“Now let’s get back to business boys,” W. Linguine said. His men said nothing. “Boys?”

W. Linguine turned, his men were staring, their eyes huge and their jaws hanging open. The hero stood unharmed. Bits of lead around his feet.

“Watcha nincompoops doing? This is how you waste somebody!” W. Linguine took a tommygun from one of his men, and let loose a full barrage of gunfire, emptying the clip.

The hero’s mighty hands moved faster than the eye could see, catching each of the hot bullets, and harmlessly dropping them to the floor.

“What kinda worthless heaters did ya losers buy me?! Get’em!”

The henchmen, still more afraid of W. Linguine than the mysterious man, charged him. One goon slammed his gun on the hero’s head like a club, the gun bounced off the helmet, and slammed into the goon’s face, knocking himself out.

Another goon punched the hero in the face… only to cry out in pain as he was pretty sure he just broke some bones.

“I am sorry for your pain sir, but this is the consequences of your actions,” said the hero.

“Shuddup!” Shouted the same goon, punching with his other fist, and breaking that one too.

Bully leapt for the hero with both arms outstretched, but the hero caught him with one hand, spun him around, and tossed him onto a couch. Bully’s eyes spun.

“What kinda whimps are ya? Gotta do everythin’ myself!” W. Linguine said, throwing a stick of dynamite he’d brought as a back-up key for the vault.

The citizens and goons alike cried out afraid.

The hero grabbed the stick of dynamite and hugged it close to his body. A moment later, it exploded!

“Finally. See ya idiots? That’s how ya get it done. Now back to business and I’ll forget this ever happened.”

“Justice is never forgotten villain!”

W. Linguine turned. The smoke cleared to reveal the hero completely unharmed.

“WAAAAH!” Cried out the gangster, his stylish and perfect mustache bent and warped in disbelief. “What da Hells are ya?!”

“I!” The hero struck multiple poses on one leg. “Am Gigaman!”

“Gigaman…” whispered a beautiful bank-teller, lifting her eyes in hope.

“Once a normal man! Reborn through the power of science, I now walk the Earth as an atomic cyborg to protect the innocent and apprehend evil!” Gigaman epically pointed his finger. “And I have come for you, W. Linguine!”

“WAAAH!” Screamed W. Linguine, waving his arms in the air as he ran. “RUN FOR IT BOYS!”

W. Linguine cleared the way for his men to escape, swim-diving straight through a window, his ultimate ensemble protecting him from the glass.

“How humiliatin’ to be thwarted by a granny in a monkey suit!” Said Bully fleeing after his boss.

“Is everyone all right?” Asked Gigaman, more concerned for the well being of the people than punishing of evil.

“We are now, thanks to you,” said the beautiful bank teller. “Thank you Gigaman for saving us from that evil, but incredibly stylish and handsome criminal.”

“Tis but my duty madam. But now I must be off! As long as evil reigns I must be ever vigilant!”

“Will I ever see you again?”

“Hopefully not madam, for whenever evil might be, is where I must go!”

Gigaman activated his atomic rocket boots, and flew harmlessly through the front door.

The bank-teller put her hands over her heart and sighed.

“What embarrassing, to be rescued by such a badly dressed man!” said the bank manager.

From that day forth, wherever W. Linguine pulled a heist, Gigaman was there. Thwarting his capers.
The diamond heist! The gold robbery! The fortune in government bonds! All slipped through the stylish and well manicured fingers of W. Linguine thanks to Gigaman!

But then began the worst day of W. Linguine’s life!

The people… W. Linguine wanted to vomit. They began to dress like Gigaman! Suddenly it was as if all Retron-City had gone mad! No longer were the people rightfully laughing at his stupid outfit, but instead were praising it along with him! Yellow shoes and shorts were in! W. Linguine’s perfect ensemble was out! The police were even trying to arrest him! HIM!

All had fallen under that ugly-dressed loser’s spell!
“He’s gonna pay! Oh yeah he’ll pay! And when he does, Retron-City will remember whose the most stylish man of business is ’round here! And everybody will point and laugh again at that loser, and then forget he ever existed!!!”

The army’s new atomic anti-monster battle-bot was being moved through Retron-City disguised as an ordinary milk truck. W. Linguine had slipped some fins, and found out the route the convoy was taking.

The fuzz never saw it comin’! W. Linguine and his men were all over’em like style on W. Linguine’s suit! And once dem G-boys were nice and tied up, it was time for W. Linguine to take his new toy out for a spin. Being a one-seater, his goons could do nothing but watch.

With a push of a button, the ordinary milk truck turned into a hulking two legged war machine. Working the controls was so easy Bully could do it. The giant robot clenched its fists hard as W. Linguine swore. “This is it Gigaman! I’m comin’ for ya!”

“No W. Linguine! I’m coming for you!” Boomed Gigaman, flying in on his atomic rocket boots.

“Gotcha at last ya twerp!” W. Linguine fired the battle-bot’s mighty laser cannon, hitting Gigaman dead center and sending him flying backwards.

“Ha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!” W. Linguine fired the battle-bot’s smart missiles, perfectly hitting Gigaman again and again. “How’s it feel loser?! Loser! That’s it! I’ve got the best suit! That makes me the best man! You understand?!” The Battle-Bot stomped Gigaman over and over again. “ME! ME! ME!”

W. Linguine laughed inside the battle-bot standing over Gigaman. He charged the laser cannon, aiming to hit Gigaman at point blank range.

Then a rock harmlessly hit the battle-bot. W. Linguine saw it was the beautiful bank teller. Then another rock, the jewel store owner. Then a rock from the bank owner. Then the fuzz began popping their pea shooters at the mighty anti-monster battle-bot.

“What dis’ ya losers? I’ve the got stylist suit here! I’m top dog ’round here! If ya ain’t got that, then I’m gonna wack ya!”

“You… will not harm the people!” Swore Gigaman, his atomic engine restarting. With one mighty over-charge from his atomic boots, he pierced through the battle-bot, and apprehended W. Linguine and out the machine’s back. Gigaman flew high into the sky with the criminal. The Battle-bot harmlessly fell over.

“What ya got against me Gigaman?! Did I wack yer parents? Did I ice whatever egghead gave ya yer superpowers?!” W. Linguine exclaimed.

“Justice needs no reason W. Linguine. I stop you not for some personal vendetta, but for it is the right thing to do!”

W. Linguine was found guilty of many, many crimes, and sentenced prison along with most of his gang (Bully was sent to a halfway house).

“At least I never have’ta see that stupid suit ever… WAH!!!” W. Linguine exclaimed, his jagged and pointy mustache wiggled in horror.

“In hope of rehabilitating criminals, it’s been decided the prison uniform will now be based on Gigaman’s heroic and beautiful outfit,” explained the guard.

After completing his prison sentence and being released early for good behavior, W. Linguine opened a legit basket weaving and flower-planting business.

Meanwhile, Gigaman for many years would remain Retron-City’s lone protector until a slew of other heroes emerged, including the one and only Alpha-Man. Gigaman would quietly retire to little fanfare, as the people now had many heroes to protect them. Some said he was the father of Alpha-Man, but this is only tabloid rumors. The police would honor his memory with his heroic and handsome outfit inspiring the Retron-City’s police uniforms to this very day. With W. Linguine’s ultimate ensemble now the go to outfit for circus clowns.

~Fin